I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
