A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
