ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
