I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
