rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
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