that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
