I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
FUCK WHALES
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
