I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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