shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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