Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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