She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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