I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
