i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
