I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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