kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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