I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
