I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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