I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
