I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
