I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Are we still banned from the library?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
