i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just googled if crying burns calories
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
