Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize