Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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