i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
