We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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