Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
