i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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