im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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