I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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