if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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