for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
