i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
4 words: hood of his car
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
