seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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