so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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