I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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