i jhust puked up my retainher.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
