hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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