Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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