I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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