During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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