Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
