we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize