I accidentally had phone sex last night
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
