Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the condom got lost in my hair
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize