i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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