I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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