If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
