I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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