meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
