i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I intend to get homeless drunk
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize