I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
