Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
