At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
