when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
