what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
