this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
