it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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