I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
