My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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