I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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