I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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