i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
